explorations in sensuality, part 1

recently i joined Ev'Yan Whitney and four other phenomenal female hosts for her five day #sensualselfiechallenge. i decided to collect my words into one blog post here as well. this blog is 'part 1' because i'm only sharing the posts here without elaborating on them even though i have a lot more to say.

keep in mind that because i saw this 'challenge' so late, i was not able to join the official mail list and i missed whatever prompts were provided. i did my best to scour the hashtag (which was enjoyable for more than just trying to find the prompts) but it was actually difficult to piece together what each day was. so this is more about my explorations individually than with the prompts. enjoy!

day 1

TO BE SEEN. to be experienced. to see and experience OURSELVES. to allow another to experience us. to TRUST. to LOVE. to be VULNERABLE. these things aren’t easy and they feel like an essential part of my journey in this human life. i’m so easily raw and open in my writing but this week it was expressed and shown to me how cold and distant i can seem in my demeanor or behavior despite being mentally connected. despite feeling like i am always vulnerable, two water signs told me this week how on-the-surface i seem. not surprising, i’m an air sign. but i’m excited to learn from these water signs.

of course i just said mentally connected, which is the catch right there. i am always living right there... behind my forehead. it’s been an important message for me for a while to be in my heart space, move from the heart, live from it, love from it... and i love that sensual is the keyword in this challenge because i was just talking about sensuality a few posts ago... and slowing down and connecting to myself and my heart... without stifling my buzzing brain but to merge the two and find balance... whew... i’m going to stop there but this is just the beginning. feeling the self love strongly tonight. feeling the love of being myself and being a woman because i saw a few shortcomings of mine so clearly today and instead of cowering at the site of them i felt EXCITED for new opportunities to grow and move deeper. i knew i had to go deeper but didn’t know which aspect i needed to move deeper into... and here it is. i may be vague in this post but as i said, it’s just the beginning... and i know exactly where i’m meant to go deeper.

now that i’ve seen some of the prompt... what part of me do i hide most? my skin. i cover my scars with makeup ... i take photos and hide the side of my face that is more scarred than the other, i make sure i’m on my “good side.” even here... before i knew the prompt, i accidentally hid exactly what i was encouraged to show. but i AM bare-faced here at least.

day 2

i was late to the #sensualselfiechallenge so i scavenged posts to find out the prompt. apparently it’s letting gravity 'do its thing' in addition to the affirmation that we are allowed to worship and explore ourselves. honestly just searching the hashtag has me turned ON in so many ways, haha. women are so amazing and beautiful and astonishing and magical... i’m so proud to be one. i hope that me being here inspires you to love yourself a little more, a little harder, a little sexier, a little more fully, a little more unconditionally... you are worth it. you are everything. you are magic. i love you. thank you.

added later: i didn’t have the energy last night to express.... the worshipping of myself. the ways i’ve had to make serious effort to turn the focus onto myself because i was so wrapped up in 'having' or pleasing another. i still get caught up in that. in wanting to feel the love of another instead of my own. but man... in this moment i don’t feel i need any of that. i love being with myself SO MUCH. it’s such a wonderful feeling. how do i worship myself? i dance in the mirror, i adorn myself in luxurious oils, i write, i work on being more of my authentic self and living from that place every day, i work on self-improvement, i remain mindful with where i am and where i'm not and where i want to be.

day 3

to learn and love this form that holds me... to think how many times i’ve gazed upon myself and thought of how i wanted to give it all away to someone who felt deserving and worthy. never worrying about whether or not i felt worthy. i don’t often get lonely... in fact i enjoy being alone very much. what i do find, however, is the occasional longing to share with someone what i very much enjoy alone. it’s refreshing, this outlook, because not having one to share myself with doesn’t stop me from enjoying myself. but sharing myself while not enjoying myself was always the danger... the trap. placing value, worth, happiness on if i was wanted or enjoyed by another... it took much time to learn that at the end of the day what mattered was that i enjoyed and wanted myself.

Day 4

light and darkness. i didn’t have flowers so i wore them. i danced in mine. i baptized myself with water and sprouted anew. i walk the tightrope of light and dark daily. Gemini sun and moon, i am filled with spritely childlike energy and yet i can be new, like the moon... i was indulged in so much darkness, i simply grew tired of it. lately i’ve preferred the light, pushed away the dark. not because i was afraid but because i was simply sick of it. and yet it’s always there. i roll with whatever comes next because i would rather be in dark than false light, always. always. always. i honor myself in each way. i honor myself when the spark is out, i honor myself when i am a full blown fire, i honor myself when i am doused and weak. i honor my passion and my ferocity. i honor myself with laughter. i honor all that i am and accept all that i am not.

day 5

#sensualselfiechallenge day 5... thank you to @evyan.whitney for this beautiful idea/experience. i think 5 days was just enough... please make prompts more accessible next time! and if there was a giveaway i can’t remember limit THAT sign up... i think i would have benefited more deeply if i was truly able to read all of the prompts/words from every beauty who took part in leading this.

either way, i am grateful always for the liberation i continuously witness of women everywhere of all backgrounds and colors and walks and flows of life. i truly love you all, you inspire me limitlessly. Cheers to being a WOMAN, A WOMBAN, A GODDESS, A QUEEN... we are all royalty.