i'm still trying to learn true, honest compassion. true, brutal honesty. for someone who self-expresses to no end, i'm trying to find the end of ego and the beginning of... something else.

i believe i came here to write and to love, and i have done both of those things my entire life. but there is more waiting, some more expansion that maybe i am painstakingly going through as the chaos in mind develops. as i feel more and more that i am going crazy and that the walls are caving in. what a conundrum to appreciate the walls that guard me against the cold and the cruel and beautiful outside world and to also feel inevitably trapped by them. that there is life out there that i am not experiencing and therefore not gathering anything worth writing about.

i am a ball of contradiction. a dichotomy i can't make sense of. stuck between 3D and 5. i am a hurricane. what beauty that could be. what tortures that could mean. the heaviness in my heart; sometimes it subsides. sometimes it grows around my entire body like vines and wraps tightly like an anaconda until my brain feels like it's going to burst.

it is not easy to be a student. our only true, constant identity. it is not easy to be manic. something that is not what i would choose but at times is inevitable. i am up, and i am down... i have thought about ending it all, i have thought about living forever. even when the storms come rushing down into my brain. even through the days when my mind is my worse enemy and my body suffers because of it. i would not trade the ability to feel

for anything.

i would never choose a numb life. it is why the smoke no longer satisfied. it makes you high until soberly you reach higher, and then with every inhale it pulls you down

down

down

until it's not worth it anymore.

i am sober and i have never been more high. even on the hardest days i now always end with love. love is all there is, love is all i've ever cared about, love is everything.

every day you should feel love, even if the scope doesn't reach past your own. your own is all you need. embrace yourself. embrace receiving. embrace true love.

(photo)