written march 15, 2018

today i was sad. because i was scrolling through instagram thinking, "i don't want to be watching other people's lives. i want to be living my life."

in the past few months i've realized that i'm tired of hiding in my hermit shell. almost two years ago i left NYC and moved back home to California. it was a pretty traumatic time for me. i was lacking healthy relationships all across the board. family, friends, romantic... you name it. it was like this big compounding of dysfunction, drama, and trauma... like a giant bomb waiting to explode. well, it did explode, and i followed my intuition after much stress and denial of what my intuition was saying.

i knew i needed to be near my family but i wasn't sure what that was going to entail. my life became easy in some ways but very hard in others. this is me barely scratching the surface but today i realized i need to open up again. specifically about my experiences. i'm not perfect and i guess i stay quiet about certain experiences i've gone through because i don't want to feel or sound like a victim, but i guess that's all in the presentation. because i know everything was an important lesson for me and continues to be. 

but why am i censoring myself already... what am i afraid to say?

what i realized today is that not all trauma experienced comes from family. or relationships. or sex. i realized that my heart is still too closed, too weak, still learning to be brave and bold again. to breathe. it seems that every time my heart and i decided to take a leap, we'd be smacked down again. maybe because we were looking in the wrong places and for the wrong reasons.

you can't deny when you feel connected to someone. it's like magnets. more often than, it is not a choice. it's pure and simple fate. that is my belief. whether you follow that connection or not is the choice. for a while after NYC the only choices i made were ME. me me me. because i had been so traumatized by my experiences that i had to retreat back into myself. and of course i moved back home to my mom's which was pretty much like going back to the womb... i knew it was a safe space. and it was a space where i was allowed to really honestly truly spill open. sometimes it was ugly even just within myself and my own emotions, having nothing to do with my family, mom, living space... because i was welcomed back into that place where i was allowed to be vulnerable and raw and broken open. and so i did. i cracked myself open like an egg, spilled everywhere, and i'm still sopping myself up... but of course, that's the issue, is that i attempt to remain this nice clean mess instead of allowing myself to truly spill and be free as i am meant to. the wild woman i know i am. the wolf inside is kept dormant. and for what?

so after a year of choosing me, i began to feel more brave... i started talking to someone whom i immediately felt connected to. i thought my heart was healed enough until the fear started talking. the fear was LOUD, and i worked through it not to let it run my decision-making. i was convinced it was fear, but turns out it was also intuition, loud and clear. and i wanted to hear none of it. how many times must we get hurt before we realized it's almost always intuition talking? that our heart speaks louder about people than our minds even can fathom to?

but that one last heartache i was warned about... no, i was convinced it was fear and fear alone. that it was just past trauma telling me i wasn't worthy. but no, it was him. all him. he was not what i thought he was. but that's okay. funny how my heart told me, "nope, this isn't it" even though the outside factors made it seem so. i don't know, i guess a lot of self-convincing can play into it.

the point is i was hurt... again. and tired of hurting. this is recent, mind you. not even experience in NYC. that's a whole different story. i guess my point is that i thought it was over, i thought California was recovery time, and i put myself back on the line and was pushed off... again. and that's what life's about. but as my heart began to creak open and peek out... there we went again, fallen to the ground, bruised once more. 

and that was another realization today... that... my heart is still closed off in many ways. and i don't know exactly when this happened. or why. maybe after my last relationship 5+ years ago. maybe that's what really did me in and i didn't even realize. because after my last ex left... i didn't give myself time. i immediately started to see someone else... i don't normally do that, but i think i didn't want to go through being single for a long time like i did before my ex. but here i am now... single for over 5 years (with situationships in between)... and feeling sometimes so found, and sometimes so lost... and being so afraid that i'm running out of time, not wanting to have any regrets, because i already have a few and don't want to add them to the list.

but can i just accept that each experience is what it's meant to be? that it doesn't have to be what i wanted it to to still be meaningful and fruitful in my wisdom? that instead of blaming someone's absence on something i did or didn't do, that they simply are gone because they are meant to be? 

can i accept? can i flow? can i be feminine? can i allow myself to be taken care of and not do all the taking care of myself? 

in my last official relationship i was the provider. but i was with an incubus... and as hard as he tried to give, he was impotent. every way of obtaining something was wrapped in scandal and dysfunction. he could not be a provider and it affected how he loved. he simply couldn't. and i became the masculine, and i stayed there.

now my challenge is to move into the feminine space. to bend and flow and love freely the way i desire to... to understand that it's okay that i've attempted to give that love in places it was not welcome and that it's okay and i am forgiven, by myself and my heart... we are all always doing the best we can. and i think sometimes i am far too hard on myself for wanting to do better and still failing, even in love. 

no, i don't know how to love perfectly. and i've caught myself in the same trap of "what have you done for me lately" that i forget i am still learning not only to receive but to give as well. i am not perfect. and i shouldn't expect someone else to be either. but damn, i can love. i can try my hardest. i can continue to learn and grow and ride these waves the best that i can.

when the healing is done, then i can push. i tried to push before i was done with the healing. but i'm here now... i understand better where i'm at. i've met myself there. the healing work isn't over, and that's okay.

(photo)